dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
