he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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