It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
