I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
