were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
