I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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