I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
