i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
