when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
