I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
