I faked an abortion last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
