Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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