apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you remember whose house we're in?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
