Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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