before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think people are normalizing furries
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
