I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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