I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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