So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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