Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
