Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
All I want is dick and wine.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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