I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
