I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
