I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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