i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
This baby is an asshole
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
