I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
