I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
