Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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