Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
BRING THE BAGELS
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
