So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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