Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my sisters under your porch take her home
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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