so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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