I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
