Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
