I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
