i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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