My hand turned me down
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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