im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
