i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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