I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
