It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He passed out mid-signature
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
