If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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