Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
