So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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