how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
