Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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