Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
