I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
