i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
