Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
