Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
